


All These Pieces of Me

by Akiko_Natsuko



Series: Gratsu [76]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Gone Wrong, Memories, Trust, loss of self
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25033153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: Crush – when applied to a living target can split them apart and becomes reduced to numerous, doll-like versions of themselves. This effect is not permanent, and the affected will, with time, return to their original shape. However, should the user wish, they can reassemble the divided person with a simple motion.*Natsu didn't think twice about challenging Gildarts again, and even when he wound up splintered into mini versions of himself there was nothing to worry about...right?
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster
Series: Gratsu [76]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1188718
Comments: 7
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mdelpin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mdelpin/gifts).



> 'When I'm with him, I can feel myself getting better. It's like he's picking up broken pieces of me and putting me back together, and I don't even know he's doing it ... He just loves me and that's enough.” 
> 
> ― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
> 
> Please note that if you want to talk to me about my fics and writing, or anime/shows/games in general then you can now find me on discord [The Unholy Trinity](https://discord.gg/6sSddAWa5c).

_Crush – when applied to a living target can split them apart and becomes reduced to numerous, doll-like versions of themselves. This effect is not permanent, and the affected will, with time, return to their original shape. However, should the user wish, they can reassemble the divided person with a simple motion._

**

Natsu’s vision splintered, wavered and broke.

He felt Gildarts’ power washing over him, his own fire instinctively flaring, searing along the seams opening up in his body in a desperate, frantic attempt to hold himself together. He recognised this sensation and knew what was coming, and for a moment as his vision disintegrated into what felt like a thousand eyes, he was back on Tenroujima – terror rippling through him. He was back in the months after Tartarus, his grief magnified a hundred times as Gildarts magic splintered him a second time. Then he blinked, hundreds of tiny eyes moving unison and he cursed, loudly and colourfully as he glared up at the older man who was suddenly a lot taller and looking down at him with the same mixture of bemusement, worry and a hint of guilt as the last two times he’d accidentally split Natsu into numerous doll-like versions of himself.

_Not again…_

“Again, seriously?” He demanded the words echoed a dozen times, spreading through the crowd of himself. There was no real anger in the words, or worry, this had happened before, and while he would never get used to the sensation, he knew it wouldn’t last long. Which meant that he had to make the most of the chance he had just been given because while this scene was similar, he was different. His fire burned differently now, his still-healing arm, itching with it and he – all of him – grinned, as sparks began to dance around his fingers.

“I…”

Natsu didn’t give him a chance to reply, erupting into flames and lunging. It was disorientating because he could feel himself in every single one of the tiny figures, seeing too much and not enough, his magic as fragmented as everything else, but unified for this moment as they descended on Gildarts in a noisy wave. He’d learned from the other side, the wave of him splitting down the middle, surging around the arm that had been raised to shield against him and the attempt to swipe him away, circling behind the older man and attacking—a thousand tiny, dancing flames. A dragon’s rage splintered but burning bright. “I’m going to win this time!” He chanted over and over, dizzy with the movement of hundreds of himself, pummelling, kicking, even yanking on Gildarts hair, singing it and for a moment he tasted victory.

_Finally…_

There was a shout of pain and frustration, and then a hand was grabbing him…part of him, several parts of him, and there was a pressure in the air. The kind that steals your breath, and makes your hairs stand on end. _Oh no._ There was a flicker of fear then, a surging wrongness, as the air shifted and something vanished. There was nothing audible, but it felt to him as though something had popped out of existence, a different pressure building behind his eyes. _What…?_ Dark spots danced across his vision, and he blinked to try and clear them, frowning as he found himself staring up into alarmed eyes, seeing a mouth that was too much large – or was he too small – moving urgently, although he was unable to make out the words.

_…who?_

There was a gap, a space in his head, and he shook his head, trying to make sense of what was going on. Terror clawing at him now. _What is going on?_ There was pressure again, or had it always been there? In the air, around his chest, something holding him down, as the man continued to speak the words not reaching him and not knowing what else to do, he burned bright and shouted for the one person he trusted to make sense of what was going on. “GRAY!” His voice sounded wrong, echoey somehow, or had it always sounded like that and he’d forgotten? He didn’t know, and he didn’t like that he didn’t know. “GRAY! GRAY!”

He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

He wanted Gray.

He…

The pressure grew, the darkness spread, and light flared as the world disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

Gray fought back a yawn as he stretched out in the uncomfortable chair, he’d pulled up alongside Natsu’s bed, the weight of the last few hours heavy on his shoulders. He needed to sleep, a glance at the window confirming that it was late at night, but he didn’t dare close his eyes until Natsu had at least opened his, and with that thought, he turned his attention back to his partner.

“Come on Flamebrain, I need you to wake up,” he murmured, squeezing the hand cradled between his, pleased to note that it was warmer than it had been earlier. Not quite back to his average temperature but getting there. It was the only sign of change though, as the Dragon-slayer’s feature remained stubbornly slack, still harbouring traces of the fear that had been written across his face when Gray had got to him earlier.

_Gray had thought nothing of it when Natsu had dragged Gildarts out of the guild to challenge him, as it was more tradition than anything at this point, and considering the guild was still being repaired he was just glad that they had decided to take it outside for once._

_“Aren’t you going to watch?” Lucy asked, looking up from her notebook that she had been scribbling in furiously all morning. Everything that had happened during the war with Alvarez seemed to have a lit a fervent fire under her, and when they weren’t working, she was writing these days._

_“No,” Gray shook his head and sipped his coffee, enjoying being able to drink it without Natsu grumbling about how strong it smelled for once. “One day, Natsu will beat him, and I’ll be there then. Today he’s just going to get his ass kicked, besides he’ll tell me all about it later.” He grinned at that, already able to envisage that conversation and the re-enactment that would probably follow. He never minded that, because Natsu always lit up during those moments. Bright-eyed and enthusiastic, just the way he was supposed to be, and a far cry from the tearful visage from their moment in the guild when he had almost cast Iced-Shell again that had been haunting him._

_“How are you so sure it won’t be today?” Mira asked, arriving to clear away the mess that Natsu had left in his wake, more curious than anything else._

_“Because I know Natsu,” Gray replied. “He was itching for a brawl, not a real fight…although I’m sure, he’ll get carried away once they get into it.” It had taken him a long time to learn the subtleties of Natsu’s challenges, in fact, it was only long after they’d become friends that he had started to realise that Natsu didn’t always want to fight all out, even with him. “Besides, he’s excited about the job we’re leaving on tomorrow, and he won’t do anything jeopardise that…” Because it’s the first time we’re going to be alone after all of this, he thought but didn’t add. Didn’t need to if the knowing looks Mira and Lucy shot him were anything to go by._

_*_

_They’d lapsed into silence after that, Lucy working away and Mira bustling away to help Elfman at the bar, and Gray watching the guild as it got back into its regular routine._

_He wasn’t sure how long had passed, just that it had been a little too long…especially for a brawl with Gildarts, and finishing his drink and growing angsty, he found himself getting up. “I’m going to go and make sure Magnolia is still standing,” he said to Lucy when she looked up, and she waved him away with a wince and smile, knowing that he was only half-joking. He waved to Mira as he passed, heading out the back after the pair, pausing to ice the floor as he watched Romeo tussling with his father, smirking as he heard Macao yelp as he went down, with the teen yelling triumphantly as the ‘fight’ turned in his favour._

_“GRAY!” His good humour disappeared as soon as he stepped outside, Natsu’s voice, strangely distorted shouting for him with such fear that he broke into a run, the temperature around him plummeting as his magic stirred._

_Rounding the corner, he skidded to a halt at the sight that met his eyes. Natsu, or rather lots and lots of miniature Natsu’s were swarming around Gildarts, flames flickering out as he watched, fear seeming to shiver through each of the tiny bodies. Several of them shimmering, seams of light spreading across tiny bodies before they splintered, disintegrating into thin air in front of his eyes. “What the…?” He trailed off, seeing the panic in Gildarts face as he grasped one of the small Natsu’s, feeling the older man’s magic in the air, a pressure that set his teeth on edge and had some primaeval part of his mind wanting to flee. The effect ruined by the frantic, panicked words he could make out now._

_“…Stay calm, I’m going to get you back together. Natsu, just…”_

_“GRAY! GRAY!” It was clear that Natsu wasn’t listening to him, and the Dragon-slayer’s terror cut through his own, and he bolted forward._

_“Natsu!”_

_Just as he reached them, he saw the Natsu in Gildarts’ hand go limp just as light flare, forcing him to throw up a hand to shield his eyes. When it cleared, he saw Natsu sprawled out on the ground, far too still, and his heart in his throat, he rushed to his side. “What the hell did you do?” He growled at Gildarts as he dropped down beside the Dragon-slayer, relieved to see the steady rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest, less happy to see the terror lingering in the pale features, and to feel the chill in Natsu’s skin as he reached for him. “What happened?” He demanded when there was no immediate reply, cursing himself for not following them outside earlier, wishing that he had been quicker to check on them, to get to them when Natsu had cried out for him._

_“I don’t know,” Gildarts choked out after a moment. “It’s not the first time I’ve split him apart, it’s happened before, but he was fine both times…”_

_“Both times?” Gray echoed incredulously, making a note to have words with the Dragon-slayer about that later. “And you risked it again?” They had all been warned when they were younger not to startle the older man because of the nature of his magic, but they had never truly feared it or him despite the warnings, and he knew that Natsu, in particular, had just seen it as a challenge. They’d all seen it at work too, knew just how destructive it could be if it was allowed to run wild or Gildarts’ focus slipped for even a moment, and frustration bubbled up. “Did this happen last time?” He demanded, and the answer was written across Gildarts’ face. “Natsu,” dismissing the older man, for now, Gray reached out and shook the Dragon-slayer trying to elicit some kind of response, but there was nothing, not even a twitch to show that Natsu knew that he was here._

_“I…”_

_“We need Wendy,” Gray cut across whatever Gildarts was about to say, already moving to slip his arms under Natsu, trying not to think about what they were going to do with Wendy couldn’t fix this. “And you’re coming with us,” he added, realising that the older man was hesitating as he lifted Natsu, cradling him close. The Dragon-slayer was too cold, and deadweight as he staggered to his feet, and his arms tightened._

_Please be okay…_

*

His prayers hadn’t been answered. Wendy had been able to confirm that there were no physical injuries, her sky magic washing over and through Natsu and dissipating without effect. But she hadn’t been able to explain why he was unconscious and why he hadn’t woken up, and Makarov had sent Jet for Porlyusica after hearing what had happened.

The older healer hadn’t had any new information, but there had been a shadow in her eyes when Gildarts had explained what had happened, that had deepened when he had explained how for a moment at least it had been as though Natsu had been unable to recognise him. Gray was the one who had explained how some of the smaller Natsu’s had disintegrated before Gildarts had managed to reconstruct Natsu, and the silence that had followed had struck terror in his heart. Fear, followed by fury as a quick look at the man responsible had confirmed that Gildarts hadn’t seen that happen, hadn’t meant for it to happen and didn’t know what it meant.

Gray had punched him.

He was sure Natsu would love that once he was awake to hear about it, especially as he had managed to dump Gildarts on his arse as no one had expected him to erupt into motion. Makarov had been the one to pull him away, but his scolding had felt forced, and Gray had been unapologetic as he’d allowed himself to be hauled away.

Porlyusica hadn’t been able to offer much comfort either, saying that she’d never heard of anything like that happening. Especially as most people avoided close encounters with that kind of magic and her glare fell on both the unconscious Dragon-slayer and Gildarts as he rose to his feet. The news that all he could do was wait for Natsu to wake up for them to find out what was happening, and if he needed to be really worried about what he’d seen, had done nothing for his temper or the growing bubble of worry in his chest. He was used to Natsu getting hurt, as much as he hated it, but he knew what was wrong then and how to help, how to look for improvement. There were too many unknowns in the current situation, and he hated, his fingers tightening around Natsu’s again.

“Come on, Natsu,” he said. “I promise not to scold you for not telling me about this happening before if you’ll just wake up,” he pleaded, knowing that it was a promise he wouldn’t be able to keep. It didn’t matter, Natsu slept on, oblivious to his pleading.

_Please…_

*

The night crept by, and Gray dozed periodically, only to jerk awake in a panic to the echo of Natsu’s panicked cry, only for his heart to sink every time he found the Dragon-slayer’s condition mostly unchanged. The only comfort came in the fact that by the time the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon, Natsu’s temperature was back to normal, a soothing burn against Gray’s much cooler skin. A glimmer of hope and he cradled Natsu’s hand close, kissing the back of it, drinking in the promise that he was trying to come back to him. “I’m still waiting,” he chided between kisses.

“Gray?”

For a wild moment, he thought that Natsu had just displayed the best time, eyes darting to the Dragon-slayer’s face in the hopes of seeing olive eyes creeping open, but Natsu was still, and there was movement behind. More on edge than he’d realised, Gray, whirled, dropping Natsu’s hand, ice spilling out around him as the temperature plummeted, only to come up short as he found Erza stood in the doorway, hands raised to show that she wasn’t a threat. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you…”

“You didn’t,” he lied, dispersing the eyes and dropping his own hands. “Sorry.”

“How is he?” Erza’s glare told him that she wasn’t fooled, but then her expression softened as she looked towards Natsu.

“Warmer than he was, but he still hasn’t woken,” Gray didn’t try to hide his anger or his worry, Erza had known him for too long to do that, and she had known about the two of them before they’d even realised, they were more than friends. “I’m scared…” That he hadn’t meant to admit, but the words had crept out all the same as he turned back to look at Natsu.

“It’s Natsu,” Erza murmured, moving to stand alongside him, her shoulder brushing his in a gesture of support. “He’ll pull through, he always does.” Simple, firm, unwavering. She believed it completely, and Gray desperately wanted to believe her, and at any other time he would have, but…

“You didn’t hear him Erza,” Gray whispered. “He sounded so scared when he called to me. Not, the kind of fear he talked about after Tenroujima, this was worse, and I’m not even sure if he knew that I was there before he passed out, and…”

“He knew you were there,” Erza interrupted.

“How do you know?”

“Natsu always knows where you are,” Erza replied, smiling at him. “Even before you were together if one of us were looking for you, he knew where you were. And he knows you, he called for you because he knew you would come, so yes he knew that you were there.”

“Not that it helped him…” Gray muttered, addressing the thought that had niggled him in the quiet moments between naps. He was furious with Gildarts, and to a lesser extent Natsu, but he couldn’t shake the thought that he should have been quicker. That he should have intervened and done something the moment he had spotted the state that Natsu was in.

“Gray…” Erza trailed off, seeming to realise that he wasn’t ready to hear what she had to say. “The Master asked me to come and watch Natsu so that you could get something to eat, and possibly take a nap, although I did say there was a little chance of that.” She smiled as Gray closed his mouth, his protest derailed, although he wasn’t silent for long.

“I’m not hungry.”

“I wasn’t asking.” Now she met his gaze, all steel even though she was still smiling. It was a look he knew too well, and his shoulders slumped in defeat, eyes on Natsu once more – willing him to wake up now before he was shoed out, but the Dragon-slayer was oblivious to his pleading look. “Go, and at least eat something, I won’t let anything happen to him.”

“I…” He sighed, knowing this wasn’t an argument he could win. “You’ll get me if he wakes up?”

“Of course, although I doubt, you’ll be gone long enough.” Gray grimaced at that but didn’t deny it, moving back to Natsu’s side and lifting his hand to kiss it.

“I’ll be right back okay, try not to fight with Erza while I’m gone,” he murmured. Catching her slight smile at his words as he reluctantly settled Natsu’s hand back down on the bed, and began to retreat towards the door, not leaving the room until Erza had taken his seat and reached for Natsu’s hand.

**

Gray wasn’t gone long, managing to choke down the plate of breakfast Mira had sat in front of him the moment he’d settled at the bar. He’d been questioned by everyone who was in the guild, everyone asking after Natsu, and he hated that he didn’t have answers, even as their concern warmed him. _You’re loved Flamebrain._ There had been no sign of Gildarts, much to his relief, because he wasn’t sure that he could resist the urge to punch him again, deciding to blame Natsu for that. But it had been even more a relief to retreat back upstairs, deliberately pretending not to hear Makarov when the older man had called out, no doubt about to try and get him to take a break.

Upstairs, he found Porlyusica was in the infirmary with Natsu and Erza, both of them leaning over the bed and speaking urgently, and he rushed forward his heart in his mouth, regretting not taking a firmer stance against Erza. She spotted him coming, opening her mouth to say something, the worry in her expression making his stomach twist unpleasantly, but it was a different voice that caught his attention, even though it was quieter and more uncertain than he’d ever heard it.

“…Gray?”

“Natsu!” Porlyusica seemed to realise he wasn’t going to be kept away, stepping back to allow him to reach Natsu, who was awake, his eyes open but somewhat unfocused as he turned his head towards Gray and for a moment the Ice Mage allowed himself to bathe in the relief of that sight. Then he took in the lost expression on his boyfriend’s face, the confusion and fear, automatically reaching for Natsu’s hand as soon as he was within reach and squeezing it. “I’m here,” he murmured, running a soothing thumb over the Dragon-slayer’s hand.

“Gray…”

“How are you feeling?” He asked, ignoring Erza’s attempt to get his attention, having no eyes for anyone but Natsu right then. “Are you…?” He trailed off, realising that Natsu was staring at him wide-eyed, unfocused gaze darting to their linked hands, and then back to his face, and there was something about the lack of understanding that saw the bottom drop out of his stomach. “…Natsu?”

“I…” Natsu eyes flickered to the others, and then back to Gray. Looking at him as though he was the only thing that made sense in the world, and Gray stepped closer, squeezing the hand that he was holding in encouragement as Natsu’s mouth opened and closed several times, each time leaving him looking more lost than ever.

“What is it? Na…?”

“I don’t…” Natsu looked at their hands again, squeezing back as though half-expecting Gray’s hand to disappear and seeming to draw strength when it didn’t, swallowing before meeting the Ice Mage’s gaze again. “…who…”

“Who?”

“Who am I? I remember you…but it doesn’t make sense, this doesn’t…” His grip on Gray’s hand was bordering on painful now, squeezing to add meaning to his words and the Ice Mage couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, because this couldn’t be happening. But there was no lie in Natsu’s gaze, no hint of amusement to betray that this was a joke or a trick, and a quick glance at the others confirmed that they already knew. Anger flickered beneath the fear and panic, but he kept it buried deep because Natsu was looking at him, pleading for answers. Trusting him to have them, without even fully understanding why and Gray felt sick to his stomach, even as he squeezed back, trembling as he struggled to get his voice to come out soft and even.

“You’re Natsu,” he whispered. “My Natsu.”

_And I will find a way for you to remember that…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may be more than 3 chapters...


	3. Chapter 3

Natsu was resting again, curled into a small ball on the infirmary bed, his desperate grip on Gray’s hand unwavering even in sleep. Not that the Ice Mage had had any intention of going anywhere else, not sure that he could even trust his legs at the moment, having collapsed into the chair that Erza had brought him when it became clear that Natsu wasn’t going to release him.

Natsu who didn’t remember who he was, but somehow remembered Gray.

Gray kept waiting for someone to leap out at him and tell him it was just a terrible joke, kept looking at the Dragon-slayer, waiting for him to break out into a wild grin and laugh about how he’d tricked him. It hadn’t happened, the mood in the room tense and worried, something that he knew the Dragon-slayer had picked up on and had only added to his confusion because he didn’t understand or at least not entirely. He wasn’t sure who he was, and from some slow, meandering questioning they knew it wasn’t so much that he had forgotten, as it was a disconnect between him and his memories. He knew who they were, although Porlyusica and Erza had been treated with a wariness that he knew had hurt the latter in particular, as though he wasn’t quite sure of their place in whatever it was that he did remember. He certainly knew who Gray was…

_“You’re Natsu,” he whispered. “My Natsu.”_

_“Yours…?” Natsu echoed, sounding lost and young and Gray ached at the sound. At the realisation that his words hadn’t meant anything, hadn’t anchored Natsu like he wanted. “I… you’re always there.”_

_“What do you mean?” Porlyusica had asked, leaning in and Gray knew that she was only trying to help, that she needed these answers if they were going to work out what the hell Gildarts’ magic had done to Natsu and more importantly how they were going to fix it. Still, he couldn’t miss the way Natsu tensed a little at her voice. Biting back a comment he would regret, he squeezed Natsu’s hand, trying to encourage him to answer. Please help us to fix this, he thought but didn’t say, not wanting to put that on Natsu when the Fire Mage already looked so overwhelmed by everything. But what if we can’t…? He shoved that doubt aside as best he could, not wanting Natsu to see it in his expression, although when he caught Erza’s eyes for a moment, he knew that she had seen it and felt the same._

_“I…” Natsu started, faltered and looked to Gray, who nodded in what he hoped was an encouraging way even as his stomach sank further. This wasn’t what Natsu was supposed to be like, he was loud and brash and got them into trouble more often than not, and for all the times that Gray had grumbled about that – usually without any real heat – he now took it back. He wanted that Natsu back. “I remember…I think?” Natsu’s nose wrinkled, and the urge to tease him not to think too hard bubbled up and then disintegrated. “I have these memories, full of people…and maybe they’re mine? But I don’t, they don’t feel like they belong to me? I’m not sure if I’m in them or if they’re mine like there’s a piece missing…”_

_A piece missing…._

_Bile rose in the back of Gray’s throat, remembering how the tiny Natsu’s had splintered and disintegrated in front of his eyes when he’d first reached Natsu and Gildarts._

_Gildarts what did you do?_

_“But you remember Gray? And us?” Porlyusica was pressing, and Gray wanted to stop her. He didn’t want to hear more of this, the horrifying realisation clawing at him, but he knew they needed the answers._

_“Gray…” Natsu whispered his name as though it was a prayer, protection against everything that had happened and been lost, and all the Ice Mage could hear was an echo of the Dragon-slayer shouting for him, terrified and desperate, and this time he knew that his attempt at a smile fell flat. Mercifully Natsu had glanced down, looking at their linked hands. “He’s there, I can see him clearly in the memories. Always there.” Relief. Natsu sounded relieved, even though Gray knew that not all of those memories would have the most positive slant, after all their rivalry had run deep. And it had taken them a long time to become friends and teammates and more, but Natsu didn’t seem to care, looking up at him again with such trust that Gray felt as though he might be the one to shatter beneath the weight of it. “See you too,” Natsu’s attention had shifted to Erza and Porlyusica. “But…”_

_“Not quite as often,” Erza was the one to finish, and her smile was only a fraction better than Gray’s. The Ice Mage couldn’t blame her, but he also understood where Natsu was coming from, they lived together, spent most of their time together even when they weren’t on jobs, of course, that was going to leave a different impression in his memories. Natsu nodded before looking back at Gray again._

_“Why?”_

_“Why?” Gray echoed._

_“Why don’t I remember who I am? But I remember you…?”_

Gray hadn’t been able to answer him. As furious as he was with Gildarts, he knew how close Natsu was to the older man, and he didn’t want to be the one to destroy that, although he wasn’t sure how they could get back to how they’d been after all this. Then there was the fact that they simply didn’t know what had happened, not really, and he didn’t want to say anything until they had a better idea. _‘We’re not sure, but we’re going to find out…”_ He’d given him a meaningless platitude, trying not to let his doubts, his fear that they might not be able to find the answer or more importantly the cure from bleeding through, and Natsu had just accepted it. Trusting Gray so completely, and it terrified him. It was that fear that was dominant now as he tore his gaze away from the sleeping Dragon-slayer to look up at Porlyusica and Erza who were watching the pair of them with worried eyes.

“What do we do now?” He asked, voice low so that he wouldn’t disturb the Dragon-slayer, desperate not to let Natsu realise just how lost they were. “He…”

“We will find an answer.” It was Porlyusica who answered, meeting his gaze evenly and he wanted to believe her, and for a moment he did because there was no doubt in her voice, no hesitation in her expression. _But is that because she knows, or because she believes?_ She was still part of Fairy Tail, and their guild didn’t believe in the impossible, and that coloured their actions and words, but right then Gray couldn’t drum up that part of himself and couldn’t help but doubt.

“But what if we don’t...?” _What happens if we can’t fix this? If we can’t help Natsu remember who he is?_

“Gray,” Erza moved to him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “We will find something, I promise.” Her hand was steady, and there was steel in her voice, and it was more habit than anything that had him nodding, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at her, his gaze returning to Natsu once more.

_But, what if we can’t…_

*

Erza and Porlyusica had left shortly after that to fill Makarov and others in on what had happened, and Gray was selfishly relieved that they would be the ones to let Happy know what had happened to his partner. He hadn’t been able to find the right words for the Exceed when they’d sat together waiting for Natsu to work, and it had been a relief when Wendy and Carla had pulled Happy away to take a break. He couldn’t imagine breaking this news to him, especially when they weren’t entirely sure how well Natsu remembered everyone else.

_He remembers me…_

Gray knew that he should be happy about that, and part of him was. The thought that Natsu could have forgotten him, forgotten what they were, hurt more than he had ever thought possible. But, now in the face of Natsu’s confusion and fear, caught in the quagmire of his own thoughts and doubts he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that would have been a better outcome. _You’re my Natsu,_ he’d said, and he’d never meant something more than he had at that moment, and if Natsu had forgotten him, he wouldn’t have rested until he had won the Dragon-slayer back. But helping him to remember himself? Gray wasn’t sure how they were supposed to do that, even if they could work out what had happened in the first place.

_Natsu, I don’t know how to fix this._

****

Gildarts was surprised that Gray hadn’t come to confront him after hearing what had happened in the infirmary, the bruise that spread up across his cheek and around his eye throbbing in time with his heartbeat as Porlyusica and Erza filled them in. _Natsu._ He could feel the weight of everyone’s gaze resting on him as the pair lapsed into silence, demanding answers.

Answers that he didn’t have.

Makarov had already questioned him about what had happened. Over and over, as though there was some clue in his words, some detail that he might suddenly remember. He knew that Levy and Freed were already searching the library for any information about his magic and its effect on people, and his stomach lurched at the thought of what they might find. 

_I should never have used it against him…_

All those years of being cautious with his magic, the precautions he took because he knew how destructive his power was, and it all faded from his thoughts when confronted with Natsu. It was fun to fight the Dragon-slayer even though Natsu hadn’t yet made it to his level the potential was there. And Natsu had never been afraid of him, never daunted by that difference and in a world where people would dart out of his path and rebuild cities to stop him from being a threat that had been a gift.

And nothing had happened. The first time he’d split Natsu into hundreds of tiny versions of himself had been a little bit of accident, after all the boy was not his enemy, but Natsu had been fine. Hell, he had even turned it to his advantage, something that Gildarts had never seen before, and nothing untoward had happened, he’d reversed the magic, and the Dragon-slayer had been himself again. The second time, when they had encountered one another following the Tartarus events that he had missed out on, Natsu had been driven in a way that he hadn’t been before, and that time it had been more deliberate because Natsu was growing fast, and again nothing had happened.

So, what went wrong this time?

_“I’m going to win this time!”_

_Gildarts had been expecting it, knowing that Natsu didn’t care that he had been fragmented, more than happy to turn it into a weapon. It was different this time though, the power in these tiny Natsu’s was stronger than it had been before, and all of it was turned on him, a storm of angry, dancing sparks that lashed against him. Tiny feet and fists pounding against his skin, fire catching his hair, his beard and clothes and he could smell burning… You’re growing Natsu, he thought, pride colouring that thought. The war had honed the Dragon-slayer further, and Natsu was still growing in strength and skill. And as his vision filled with flames, Gildarts found himself stumbling back with a shout, part pain – because as tiny as the flames were they hurt – and frustration, because as fast as he batted them away, a dozen more of the tiny Natsu’s filled their space and Natsu wasn’t stopping._

_Blinded by the flames, he reached out to grab handfuls of the Natsu, his own magic flaring as he readied to reconstruct Natsu into one. Perhaps, he had put too much magic into it, or let his temper get the better of him. All that he knew was the Natsus that he was holding and the ones around him were melting away, their expressions that had been twisted into wild grins and triumphant expressions seconds before now reflecting fear._

_No, not fear… he had seen Natsu afraid before, had taught him that it wasn’t a bad thing._

_This wasn’t fear, this was terror…_

_Natsu was terrified of him…_

Gildarts blinked. Was that the difference? Had Natsu’s terror affected the magic? But, why had he been so afraid in the first place? There was nothing new about that fight, and Natsu had been through so much, faced much worse, and it had been a friendly spar, a challenge. Nothing for him to be terrified of, and it had come on so quickly. _It wasn’t Natsu,_ he couldn’t let himself take that out, knew that Gray at least would never let him get away with even thinking it. It had been him, something about his magic, his control had gone wrong. But what? The others were still staring at him, waiting for answers, and his hands were trembling as he clenched them together in his lap.

_Natsu, what have I done?_


	4. Chapter 4

_Mist, silvery grey swirled around him, and Gray had no idea where he was, unable to make out anything more than a couple of steps ahead of him. No idea where he was, or why he was there, and yet he was filled with an overwhelming feeling that something was missing. Something important. It kept him moving, pressing through the drifting haze, trying to make out anything in the world around him and failing. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been walking, but nothing seemed to change, and the feeling of something being missing was increasing with each step, an uneasiness that seeped under his skin and set his teeth on edge._

_“Did you really think I would just forget about you?” The sudden voice startled him, but relief flooded him as he whirled towards the sound. Natsu. He would know that voice anywhere, and when he turned, the Dragon-slayer was stood behind him, half-obscured by the mist._

_“Natsu?”_

_“You tried to make me forget…” Natsu continued, and Gray’s heart fell. He remembered this conversation. It had been days after the war had ended, and they’d finally broached the topic of everything that had happened, from their fight to what Gray had attempted to do. It had been a long time since he’d seen Natsu that furious, not that he could really blame him, because he had broken more than one promise trying to use Iced Shell again, and he swallowed as he lifted his head, trying to meet Natsu’s gaze._

_“I know,” he whispered, words that he had already said slipping out and he frowned. This was wrong, this had already happened… hadn’t it? “I’m sorry, I just… I wanted you to be safe, and I didn’t want you to blame yourself or spend your life mourning me.” He tried to stop the words, but they flowed out of him, as clumsy and hesitant as they had been the first time and he gritted his teeth. This wasn’t what he wanted to talk about, and he took a step forward, trying to close the distance between them, yet every time he drew closer, Natsu’s image seemed to waver and disappear before reappearing a short distance away. “Natsu!” He growled eventually, and he saw the Dragon-slayer paused and tilt his head, just as he had as a child when he hadn’t understood what they were talking about, and something tugged at the edge of his thoughts._

_“…who’s Natsu?”_

Gray jerked awake with a shout and found himself tumbling off the couch that he was using as a bed for a moment, the impact with the floor winding him for a moment. He lay there, sucking in heaving breaths and staring up at the ceiling as he tried to calm himself. Finding the old charr mark on one of the beams from where Natsu had got too excited one day and burst into flames, finishing off Gray’s old, falling apart sofa, leaving a blackened ring on the carpet and the scorch mark on the ceiling. Those events felt like a lifetime ago. The carpet under him now whole and undamaged, the couch had been replaced with a much more comfortable one – for which he was eternally grateful for at the moment as it was his current bed- and Natsu a far-cry from the hot-headed idiot who had nearly set fire to the entire flat.

_Natsu…_

He tilted his head, straining to hear anything for the bedroom, but if Natsu was awake, he wasn’t making a sound. Normally, Gray would have taken that to mean that he had to be asleep, because as he’d once said, Natsu couldn’t be quiet even if he tried, but that was before, and right now he wasn’t sure how much of the Natsu he remembered remained. The urge to go and check on him was strong, but so was the desire to stay right where he was and pretend that everything wasn’t falling apart. That he had just been banished to the couch because of a silly argument rather than because even though Natsu remembered him their relationship was what…on hold? He growled under his breath. No matter how much he wanted to stay where he was and ignore what was happening, he couldn’t, because even if he could stop his thoughts whirling for a moment, he couldn’t forget how lost and confused Natsu had looked.

_Maybe I was wrong to bring him back here already,_ he thought, throwing an arm over his eyes as though that could keep that thought at bay. He’d been on edge ever since he’d brought Natsu back to his flat where they had been staying more and more after the end of the war, wanting to be close to the guild in case anything happened, although Natsu would still spend the odd weekend at his own cottage just hanging out with Happy. Not that he hadn’t been on edge at the guild too, worried about Natsu, doubting that they were going to find anything and fighting the urge to track down Gildarts again, but at least there he’d known that he others were around if anything happened, or anything went wrong.

_“Are you sure about this?” Erza asked once he had broached the topic of taking Natsu home after they’d spent another two days in the infirmary, with no signs of the Dragon-slayer’s condition changing, and no progress in the search for a way to fix what had been done. “We don’t know if there are going to be any other side effects, and…”_

_“I can take care of him,”_

_“We’re not saying that you can’t,” she told him, but Gray wasn’t mollified in the slightest._

_“Then what are you saying?” He demanded. They’d been having this discussion, or various versions of it ever since that morning when he had first raised the question of whether Natsu really had to be in the infirmary. Physically there was nothing wrong with him, Porlyusica had been comprehensive in her checks – which Gray was grateful for, even though he knew that Natsu had been uncomfortable under the attention. Which had been a relief in a way, a peek at the old Natsu, who had always tried to escape the healer’s clutches as soon as possible._

_He knew they were worried, he was too, but he couldn’t see how staying in this room that Natsu had spent so little time in was going to help anything, and maybe it was a wild hope, but he hoped that having Natsu home and surrounded by familiar settings might prompt some progress. Or at least settle him, because the Dragon-slayer had been on edge, and who could blame him, when his memories made no sense to him, and they were still working out what gaps existed._

_“Gray…”_

_“I don’t want to stay here,” another voice entered the debate, and attuned to it after the last few days, Gray immediately turned towards the bed where Natsu had been sat watching them with wide eyes. He wasn’t looking at them right now, head bowed as though worried about how his words would be taken, hands fisted in the covers. “I… it doesn’t feel right.” There it was again, the confusion, and Gray wondered if he was trying to make the connection between himself and how he had been, wishing that there was something he could do to bridge the gap and hating that there wasn’t._

_“You don’t?” Natsu’s words had taken the wind out of Erza, and her voice was soft as she also looked at Natsu as he shook his head slowly, and Gray tried to bury his triumph as her shoulders sank. He knew he hadn’t been completely successful when she looked at him, and her eyes narrowed, but she didn’t call him on it. “You’re going to stay at yours? Just in case you’re needed here?” She voiced it as a question, but he could tell it wasn’t, and he scowled at her._

_“Of course.” As though he would keep Natsu away from the guild if they were anywhere near being able to fix this mess, and he kept his growing doubts about whether that was going to happen to himself. The last time he had ventured from Natsu’s side, he’d gone to see how it was going, and one look at the growing piles of discarded texts and notes had made his heart sink, and he’d stayed away ever since, trusting them to tell him if they found anything._

It wasn’t even as though they’d really been alone in the four days that he’d brought Natsu home. Happy was currently with Natsu, as while the Dragon-slayer had still had some gaps in his memory about the Exceed, he had recognised him with the same relief as he had recognised Gray and had relaxed having him close. Gray was relieved, not sure what they would have done if Natsu had forgotten Happy too, and also a little jealous because there was an easiness there that didn’t exist between them even if Natsu did remember him. Lucy, Erza and Wendy were constant visitors too, on the days that he wasn’t able to coax Natsu to the guild – the Dragon-slayer uneasy in the building that held so many memories that didn’t make sense to him. Which was wrong on so many levels, that it had left Gray feeling equally of out place in the place that was supposed to feel most like home.

. Officially their visits were to keep them in the loop with what was happening at the guild and with the search for answers, and the complete and utter lack of progress, but unofficially to check on them, and as much as Gray hated to admit it, he was glad that he wasn’t alone in this. He also knew that they needed it as much as he did, their team in disarray at the moment, and even though Natsu was somewhat wary around them still, the disconnect present in every interaction, it was something.

A noise in the hallway caught his attention, drawing him out of his thoughts and he pushed himself up on his elbows to find Natsu hovering just outside the living room looking uncertain and guilty as he realised that the Ice Mage was awake. “Are you okay?” Gray asked, the lack of Happy telling him that the Dragon-slayer had snuck out of the bedroom.

“It smells of us,” Natsu whispered, in the same lost tone that resurfaced whenever he was trying to connect the dots between what he remembered and what he knew. It was a tone that Gray never wanted to hear again once this was all over because it hurt to hear Natsu reduced to this.

“Sorry?”

“The bedroom, the bed…this entire place,” Natsu explained, gesturing wildly for a moment, before wrapping his arms around himself as he added uncertainly. “It smells of us, but you’re down here…” There was a note of something else in his voice now, and it took Gray a moment to realise that it was hurt. Hurt that Gray had distanced himself, and his heart was a tangled mess as he pushed himself upright, swinging his legs down to make room and patting the space beside him.

“Natsu, come and sit down,” he asked, and there was a pause before Natsu obeyed and gods it hurt to see him approach so uncertainly, and settle on the edge of the couch, turned towards Gray but not pressed against him. He missed the way the idiot used to just throw himself over the edge of the couch when joining him, once or twice managing to bounce Gray off in the process, but more often than not ending up sprawled and laughing in his lap, and his fingers twitched, itching to reach out and pull Natsu close. Instead, he looked at him, waiting for Natsu to meet his gaze and holding it. “I want to be in there with you, in that place we shared,” he admitted, letting the longing that had hounded him ever since they came home colour the words, fighting his instinctive urge to hide his emotions from the world. Natsu had always been the exception, always able to see what Gray didn’t want anyone to see, but he wasn’t sure if that was the case right now, so he needed to open up and reach out.

“Then why…?”

“It wouldn’t be fair, on either of us,” Gray replied, and Natsu frowned, not understanding. He hesitated for a moment, as both Makarov and Porlyusica had advised him not to do anything that would overwhelm Natsu, to let the Dragon-slayer focus on making those connections if he could without worrying about anything else. But there was a stubborn glint in Natsu’s eyes that told him that his boyfriend wasn’t going to drop the matter, and it was that glimmer of the Dragon-slayer that he knew that had him taking a deep breath. “Things are different, just for the moment.” Gray prayed that wasn’t a lie, that they would find a way to fix this as Natsu flinched at his words. “I don’t want to push to hard or try to pretend that things aren’t different until you can remember anything.”

“But, I remember you,” Natsu pointed out, and there was a reverence to those words, as though remembering Gray was a talisman against everything else that he didn’t remember. Maybe that was how Natsu saw it, but Gray couldn’t and sighed, gathering his courage and reaching out to grasp one of the Dragon-slayer’s hands.

“I know you do,” he murmured. “But do you remember everything about me? About us?” It wasn’t fair to ask, to push, but he knew the answer even before Natsu looked away and the hand that he was holding trembled. Yes, Natsu remembered him, something that Gray was grateful for, but he hadn’t missed the moments of hesitation in their interactions over the last few days. The way Natsu would ask something that he should have known if he remembered Gray in his entirety. The familiarity was there, and Gray was an anchor in Natsu’s memory. Still, their relationship and the memories of it weren’t untouched by whatever Gildarts had done, and his throat felt tight as he forced himself to continue. “That’s why I’m down here, because you need to remember in your own time if you can, or when we find a solution, and until then I don’t want to do anything that could damage what we have.”

Natsu didn’t look convinced, but he also wasn’t pulling away, staring down at their linked hands as though he would find all the answers there. Gray wished that it was that simple. That it was like a fairy tale and he could kiss the Dragon-slayer and make this all better, but it wasn’t, and all he could do was squeeze Natsu’s fingers, a silent promise that he wasn’t going anywhere. “But, what…what if I want you close?” Natsu asked finally, and Gray sighed.

“I’m not going anywhere, Natsu,” he promised. “But…” He didn’t get chance to finish, before he was tackled and it took him a moment to realise that the Dragon-slayer had wrapped him up in a hug, hard enough to topple them both down onto the couch, with Natsu curling close. Not trying to do anything other than embrace him, Gray realised, and against his better judgement, he shifted, wrapping his arms around Natsu and pulling him close, letting the Dragon-slayer’s head come to rest against his head.

“I remember this,” Natsu whispered, turning his head to press his nose against Gray. “I remember your scent, I just… I just…” Frustration coloured his voice now, his grip turning bruising, as though if he held on tight enough things would start to unravel and make sense once more.

“I know,” Gray soothed, hating the part of him that sang at having Natsu curled into him again. He’d craved this contact, this warmth, and yet even as they lay there wrapped together, he couldn’t forget what had happened, and he squeezed his eyes shut as he leaned his head against Natsu’s. “I know.”

_I wish you could remember too…_

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 2 will be up later today :D (I may have got a little carried away with this one)


End file.
